#3 You.

What time did you say you'd arrive?

#2 You.

I know you, once.

#1 You.

Where are you? Where have you been? Are you coming back?

Please come back.

Perfection.

I am wholly blinded to your imperfections.

You are perfect.

And perfect is you.

To heal.

I need a minute, maybe two. You will understand, will you?

What should I do?

That's a sign.

This dance.

You said we start with the left foot then the right. I think it starts with the right foot then the left.

We both swirl.

But you did the tango and I did the waltz.

Now.

Because when I say right, you go left. When you say left, I go right.

And that is why we are, where we are.

Mask

"Mommy, can I have the power rangers mask?" - Cole, 4 years old.

There are millions of masks. When you fake a smile, you wear a mask. When you pretend you're fine, you wear a mask. When the one you love is oblivious of how you feel, you wear a mask.

Everybody wears a mask. Hypocrisy is a mask that everyone owns. Now, don't you say you don't own one for that would be lying. And that is our second mask. Lies. Stop defending yourself, you know that it's true.

The two most ugly mask that one could own, and everybody has them.

The world would be a beautiful place, without such masks. Ah but then, my dear, would it be?

God blessed us all with a face. I'm not talking about our face, face. The face I'm talking about, is feelings. And that is what masks are for.

To protect your face. To hurt your face.

Our vulnerable faces.

Look for the ones, keep them close, tie them in a bundle if you must. Cherish the ones, the ones who take off their masks, and allow you to take off your mask, in their presence.

"You don't need it, honey. You're a power ranger, a better one, without the mask. Because you're true."

Rama-rama II

Suatu masa dahulu
kubisikkan pada rama-rama
agar membawa khabar
hatiku padanya.
Aku berjanji
akan kutunggu rama-rama
membawa berita
menjelaskan ekspresi
melakonkan reaksi
agar kutahu
isi hatimu.


Sudah tiga tahun lamanya
terbang rama-rama
kini kembali
membawa satu yang pasti.


Kulihat rama-rama
sayu terbangnya
berat sayapnya
dan aku tahu.


Kau bunuh rama-rama itu.
Kau bunuh rama-ramaku.


Dan telah kukatakan,
bila rama-rama menghilang,
jangan dicari lagi.
Hilang rama-rama,
hilanglah keikhlasanku,
hilang kata hatiku.
Dan bila aku membisu,
jangan dicari suaraku,
tidak akan kau ketemu.
Jangan dicari suaraku,
terlambat sudah semuanya.


Kini berakhirlah satu cerita
antara aku dan dia
Kerana dia bunuh rama-rama
Dia bunuh rama-rama.





2307 hour (13/12/09)


Notes : Here : Rama-rama You'll understand.

Secrets

You seem to smile with glee
when grotesque thoughts boil inside me
trying to make it through to my heart
to whisper the memories left forgotten
so the fortress I built would be broken.

I thought it is secure
for it had gone through so much and more
but as the rain falls down heavily
I now know.

But I am honestly tired of getting wet
I am tired of carrying this weight on my shoulders
I am tired of you breaking me apart
therefore I, will push you away
far, far away
lock you in a chest and throw away the key
far, far away
into a cave, deep down in the sea
so far away
that even if you wriggle and scream with all your might
you cannot break free.

Yes.
I will push you away
far, far away.


Notes : This was for the school magazine. But, alas.

The story

Are we at the middle part of the story?

Or are we at the end?

Rain, rain.

It is raining outside.

It is raining heavier in here.

My heart

When a heart breaks
it leaves no trace
no dust
no ashes
no pieces
how will you know?

It has no sound
it bears no scar
it is invincible to the naked eye.

Reach out and use your heart. For only a heart can reach another heart and when you see with your heart, you'll see how bad the other heart is. You'll see.

“Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

—	The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Eksperimen

Inginku tafsir dirimu
Namun tidakku mampu.
Telah kujalankan seribu analisa
hasilnya tetap juga sama.
Engkau, tetap juga sama.

Bagai satu ketetapan
tidak dipengaruhi unsur luar
tiada perubahan
satu pemalar.

Aku
pemboleh ubahmu
yang berubah mengikut rentakmu
dan bertindak balas mengikut iramamu
Hipotesisnya
aku berubah selaras dengan kehendakmu
Inferensnya
gagal kutemu.

Dan bila begitu,
gagallah satu uji kaji
tergantunglah satu komplikasi
kerana tiada kujumpa konklusi.


0108 hour (04/12/09)


Notes : thats the way you roll?

My disease

The hours spent feel brief
but it has brought years.
The bond seasoned with complications
cooked by explanations
served with contemplations
and tears or joy, as choices for desserts.

Decisions and patience
pride put aside
hearts left out open
walls dissolved from sight
vulnerable to you
and only you
always here for you
with no intentions to move.

Been chased by the ghosts
of what you once were
what you are
however fail to meet
of what is yet to become,
of you,
of us.

Losing sleep and now faith
but faith only always be restored
you have that power,
over me.

I will be elevated high up
only to be left hanging
you will come to rescue me,
soon.
You will come.
But I have fallen.

The pain, the aches, the wounds
will heal.
The sorrow, the anger, the happiness
will fade.
But I will never be cured
from you.


1345 hour (29/11/09)


Notes : oh why.

Surprised.

So this is how you roll?


It never ceases to amaze me how I'm always surprised when you do what you do over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.


So I'm like a cloth that you seek when you need and you leave when you don't?


Wow.


Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.


And again.

Magnet

With every words
with every actions
with every hatred
with every patience
I try to forget
I try to forgive
but it is no longer enough.

With every excuses
with every tears
with every pleas
with every cheers
I try to forget
I try to forgive
but it is no longer enough.

I can no longer do.
Why am I still around?
You magnet.


2355 hour (26/11/09)

Toy soldier

I am a wooden soldier. Once famous among the boys. I was their favourite toy. But that's the only thing I am. A toy.

You loved me once. I know you did. I loved you. I really love you. All toys love their masters without conditions. They love their masters with all their heart.

You would take me anywhere. You would show me to everyone. I was this really cool toy that you think everyone wanted. You were so proud of having me.

But as it is only my nature that whenever you are careless and rough, parts of me would be broken. You'd have to fix me. I was so thankful to have such a kind hearted master. The pain I felt, was unbearable but having you by my side, it all fades. It is painful nevertheless. But none of the pain are comparable to when you forget me for plastic toys. Your once coolest toy, left in the shelves, among kites and balls and other shits I do not recognise. You can barely see me.

However, I was once your favourite after all. You somehow have this weird fascination towards me. Sometimes, you would miss me and take me away from the shelves and play with me. Those days I love the most. It feels like old times, when you would show me to anyone you see, whether they are interested to see me or not. But those days are short, and I would be left to trap dusts once again.

And when you feel like missing me, you'd come seeking for me. And I'll be there. I'll always be there.

Like an old wooden soldier. I'd always be there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...fuck you. You broke my legs and did not fix them. Of course I'll always fucking be there.

Flavour

If you could be the one who will make everything tastes differently, I will promise you, we won't taste the same.

You and me, we won't be tasteless.

We will be like a burst of flavours.

And you and me, we will be one flavour, that tastes differently.


We will be one flavour.

November the 25th

Seventeen years back, you were introduced to this world.

How many have you affected since then? How many hearts were broken because of your acts? How many have felt bitter towards you? How many times have you lied? How many promises have you broken? How many days were you annoyed?


How many have you made happy?


Because in the end, that is what matters.


Are you happy?


Well.


Happy 17th Birthday. I love you very much.

Setting you free

I have to let you go. You should let me go.

But I can't. You didn't.

I don't want to. Why don't you?

Don't want to let you go. Let me go.

Because erasing you is just a dreamer's nightmare.

But I can't let you go.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

No.

Taste

Because everything tastes the same. Sweetness will eventually fade. Bitter will vanish. Sour will disappear. Salty will not stay.

And in the end, everything tastes the same.

Tasteless.

Happiness

I will admit this : I am afraid of happiness.

Maybe not so much afraid, but I feel like I do not deserve it. I've been injecting all these thoughts, that I do, as much as every one else, I do deserve happiness. I deserve to be happy. After all why don't I?

I can list out so many reasons why.

But happiness, happiness.

Happiness.

You are...

It has not been only days have I known you
and I thought I do.
It has not been only days I doubt so
and I try to prove me wrong.

I will admit that I have changed
not the same
but you,
have transformed.
From a stranger
to a friend
to a stranger
or were you one all along?

Will you ever let me in?
Or will we fall?
Will we fall.


1149 hour (4/11/09)

Silly Girl Meets Silly Boy

Silly I am,
for keeping all these thoughts in me
when they are for you
concerning you
and everything we've been through.
For keeping all these rage
building up in my heart
waiting to explode
attacking the wrong ones.
For keeping all these sorrow
gnawing at my soul
bit by bit
leaving an empty hole
where nothing fits.
For I am a coward
hiding behind my words
when I could have just told you,
"You silly boy, you broke my heart."


2051 hour (26/10/09)

What I want?

I sense the warmth in the air
but I was kissed by the cold reality.

This day,
you remember me.
You chose this very day.
Have I no heart to forget you
Not today.
Not this very day.

I am tired of trying to figure out
of chasing everything said and done
searching for the pieces
to finish the puzzle
to make a sense of the picture you painted.
I am tired of being the one trying
pouring my effort into the boiling indifference
just to be dissolved ; forgotten.

I do not know what you want
Will you finally tell me?
Because,
I know what I want.


2040 hour (26/10/09)

Come.

.

Hello.

What was the last thought that ran through your mind?
Was it anything to do with me?
Was I ever...
No matter.
I come bearing no ill feelings.
I come to tell you, that I have missed you.

That is all.

.

The Owl That Misses The Moon

The Sun bids adieu
as the moon slowly peeks
and the blanket of blue sky is replaced
with darkness
and a hint of sparkles
and more, glistening, as the hour creeps.

It is awaken, by the darkness of the night.
Its two big eyes, opened;
ready to swallow the world.
So many seen,
so many heard
but none is comparable to you.

Spreading its wings,
taking over the sky.
Sweeping the stars away
trailing a gloomy song.
Hooting for the moon,
every beautiful night.
You stupid, silly owl.


1907 hours (16/10/09)

Notes : understand.

Message in a bottle

I wrote this on a piece of paper. I rolled it, put it inside a glass bottle and shoved a cork into its mouth. I thought of sending it to you. Here goes.

"Hey there. How have you been? I'm sorry its been a while. if you noticed. I hope you're fine. I miss you So how's life? I'm doing fine. I'm doing great! Life's a bitch sometimes but we all gotta keep holding on hey? Hope you're doing great too. So if you're free, call me if you need me if you found anything worthy of telling me if you think I'm worthy of speaking to if you miss me if you still remember me, hehe take care.Love you Yours truly Sincerely, me."

You never got the letter.

It's either I sound incredibly pathetic or impossibly stupid. So, I smashed the bottle on a rock. I took the letter out and turned it to ashes.

Before the fire, I mourn the death of hopes for there to be, a you and me.

A standing ovation?

How long has it been? A week? Two? Or has it been longer than the days I've been counting down.

I never wanted to do this. I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted to go this far. I never wanted to cry.

Alas, life isn't very kind. It is kind, though in a cruel way. Not everything we want, we can get.

Don't you see? I'm pushing you away. But nothing, do I want more, than to have you close, to be in my arms.

No, I cannot have that.

Nothing but a weak whisper, I call out for you.

You don't want me.

You don't need me.

And you're pushing me away.

Congratulations boy, you won.

The Club

A long journey we've had
crossed the angry ocean
fought our way through tornadoes
relaxing our weary souls under the stars
with the moon as our entertainer.

Many and so much more
have we gone through, together.
But it appears,
our journey's coming to an end
for you seem to have other plans.
Gladly, I would follow
But it seems,
my membership to our partnership has been terminated.


1702 hours (06/10/09)

Storm

The thunder booming in the sky
vibrating the hallway with its strength
The lightning pierce the grounds
slicing the sky in two
The droplets dance
synchronized; all very well
The wind gushes through
back and forth; desperate for some attention
Here comes the storm.


1638 hours (06/10/09)

The Song

Skipped a beat
a moment of silence
i smile
hearing the smile in your words

drumming a steady rhythm
with a high velocity
during an encounter
drumming a steady rhythm
an impressive solo
easy to the ears;
just you and me

the fortress dissolved
the armies pulled back
the gates, opened
let you in.

as it creeps,
your transition period.
changed;
it knows you no more.
it beats for you,
it knows you no more.

we tried,
we cannot push you out.
we tried.
we fall for your words every time.

but not a glance at it, you give.
it is always there; look behind you.
no matter.
you wouldn't.

and my heart, sadly,
hums a song
of a broken heart.


0920 hours (04/09/09)


Notes :

I’ll find you, or you can find me.

And we can share this moment, together.

Under the fireworks; all my love.

Masterpiece

At my most vulnerable state
You see me and jeer
speaking words that damage me further
bent, broken, crushed
and my dust particles will never form me ever.

Or at my most vulnerable state
you see me and have not a care
walk past and blow me away
wobbling, crippling, crumbling
and I drop; smashed.

Saying that you care
saying that you will be there
all under pretence
have I no need of such things
stop acting we are in no play.

Distinguishing you and the rest of the world
was easy
for I thought your heart and my heart
combined and the same
beating in unison
little did I know
under different frequencies.

My hopes were up high
for you to be there
to pick me up
piece me back
and polish me
only disappointment greets me.

The turning of the clock's hands
millions of times
meant not one thing to you
I now see
and I treasured them dearly
fool of a me.

Took me for granted
and not a word I say
possibly me, the root of this twisted misery?
not a word I say
but now I have to say
thank you for breaking me apart
I am damaged
beyond repair.
Your greatest piece of art.





1319hours (19/09/09)


Notes : .

Khayalan Tingkat Tinggi

Aku,
duduk melepas lelah,
dijemput lena,
terbuai aku dalam sebuah mimpi,
di tengah hari.

Indah tidak terperi,
dunia fantasi.
Memungkinkan segala yang mustahil,
membenarkan segala yang dusta,
aku bisa menjadi sesiapa,
tinggallah identitiku sendirian.

Datang dikau menghulurkan tangan,
kusambut mesra,
satu episod bermula,
antara engkau, aku dan purnama.

Inginku hidup di alam ini
namun harusku pulang ke pangkuan realiti.
Oh fantasi,
tunggu aku kembali.


1904hours (16.09.09)


Notes : nothing too mushy ey? finally, for my sajak. hahaha

Of Hatred.

O Earth
How are you?
Created with love
now filled with hatred.

and the sea hates the floating insignificant treasures
and the trees hate the violent human creations
and the droplets dance, a dance of destruction
and the rays penetrate deep inside, burning my defences.
and humans.

For humans are gifted with feelings and a mind
Of your foolishness, men,
causing chaos in the world.
Of the same form we are, men,
flesh eating flesh.
Of a pure heart, men,
now tarnished and blackened by whispers of the devil.

Hating the devil.
Are you not one?

Spare me your excuses.
I am not one who needs it.
Nor am I interested to know
for your never ending reasons
never end,
never make sense,
hatred does not makes sense,
make sense?

Enough.
It is enough what you have done.
Will you not stop and think?
Why the Earth is crying.
Why the Earth is crumbling.
Why the Earth is nearing the end.
Then,
where will your hatred bring you?
I hope you survive to tell.

Then again, i hope we never meet again.


2215(11.09.09)

Note : what do you think? i dont know how i feel about this one...

I know you

I walked along the aisle, looking for an interesting read. I was in the mood for change. I laughed. I'm really kidding myself.

"Whatever" I muttered under my breath.

I shoved those ill thoughts far far away in the back of my head. It's threatening to go out. Pushing its way out..

"ahhh! Fuck YOU!" I screamed a little scream.

"ssssssh" added with disapproval stares.

Great. Just what I need. I am in need of disapproval, ladies and gentlemen. Thank You. I guess you don't want me to forget him,no? I will not then.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no no no noooo. Go away! Yeah, I was arguing with myself as I walk along the aisle. FML.

Right. I don't remember this shelf. Maybe I'd find something new here. Something that'll spice up my life. Something that'll CHANGE. What, I have no clue. Just CHANGE. I need CHANGE. I threw a dirty look to the space next to me. Assuming it was my other self next to me.

My hand brushed against a book. I looked at the book and took it out from the stack. The front cover is a blank page. Interesting. I opened the first page and it read, 'Are you ready?' in bold and large font. I was suddenly excited.

"Yes." I said.

Next page read, 'What do you want?"

"I want t-t-t-to to to......forget him...." I stuttered.

"Is that what you really want?"

"...."

"Thought so."

"What the fuck?"

It was as if it read my mind. Whoww, now this is creepy. But somehow, something made me resist the involuntary action of my body that is to drop the book and, run. I turned the next page.

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit. ...Like shit."

"Does he know?"

"I dont think so. Even if he does, he doesn't fucking care, does he?"

"Now think about this, how do you feel when you thought about knowing him?"

I think. I let myself dive inside the memories of first getting to know him. Much to the delight of my very emotional self. I thought about how we first met, the times spent talking, our conversations, the jokes we laughed at, the people we mocked and laughed at, the times we fought each other's pain, the times when I have him and he has me and we were each other's support system, the pain we inflicted on each other, the pain, the pain and the smiles and laughter and your hair and your smell and your voice and your eyes and your smile and you.

"Oh God, I love you" I whispered.

I pressed my hand to my chest and choke on the air I tried to inhale as I try to regain my composure. I fought the tears that are welling in my eyes. I turned the next page.

"It hurts?"

"Is that a statement?"

"Okay and now, what about if you never knew him?"

My brain could not even comprehend to such thought. I was shaking my head and pulling back from the book at the same time. The movement caused the page to turn.

"Cmon. Give it a try."

I froze.

Right then and there the book sounded exactly like.

"Okayy..." I exhaled suddenly gaining confidence at that thought.

So what if I never knew you?

My life would not be the same. At all. Period.

How would I freaking know? God!

Okay, okay, I'll give this a shot.

My life..would probably be...like..winter. Wait, what? That just popped in my head. Winter? Hmm..Winter is cold, and chilly. The days are short and nights are long. Snow gives happiness to you one day, and more sorrow as the month stretches. I'd have my fun, playing with the snow, on ice. But I for sure would be missing the Sun that brightens up my day. Activities are limited during winter. Winter is cold and....depressing. And sad. Winter lack colours. Winter feels lonely. Winter...winter.

Winter is like a life without knowing you.

And again I fought back tears that are flowing. In vain.

I turned the page.

"But you do know him"

"I do, I do"

And thank God I do.

I smiled and wiped away my tears. Then I think of you when we first knew each other. Our memories all replayed itself like a movie in my head. The film stopped rolling up till the last memory I have of you.

....

Do I still do?


The last page was blank.

Putera

Detikan jam kini mendekati bulan yang kedua
di sini aku masih di posisi yang sama
masih menunggumu
masih mengasihimu
masih merinduimu
masih lagi dipenuhi rasa sayu.

Dusta,
jika aku kata tidak kuendah dirimu
jika aku kata tidak akan kutunggu dirimu
jika aku kata akanku berhenti
mengejar rama-rama yang enggan hinggap membawa berita.
jika aku letih berkata-kata.
Telah kucuba,
aku kecundang tiap kali.

Hati yang hanya memanggil dirimu
yang sayu dipukul ombak rindu
yang sakit ditiup angin ragu
dan aku tahu,
tiada ruang fikiranmu untukku
dan aku tahu,
hatimu bukan milikku.
Tiada keraguan di situ.
Namun, mengapa aku masih menunggu?

Tiada erti perjuangan ini
Namun seribu satu pengertian dirimu buat aku
Logik tak ada di sini.
Aku sayang kamu.
Segala sakit dan peritku
Semua gembira dan tawaku
Pasrahlah aku,
puteraku.


0032hours (05/09/09)

Note : on the poem : enough said.
on the issue : sigh.

Library book

Lay a book on the table
with a beautiful cover.
Tempting.
It called out to me
I reach out for it.

Skin to skin.
The book now in my hands
the first page left me wanting more
and now im stuck, trapped
under its spell.

Break free.
I don't want to break free.

Promising an adventure
with ups and lots of downs.
But when im up,
it erases everything blue.
Im happy.
Im happy.
A new chapter begins.

In my possession
but never mine.


2013 hours ( 31/08/09 )


Notes : but I am, always and forever.

I Feel You

The sand that falls beneath
the hourglass
are of unimportance
at this beautiful moment.
I feel you.

I can only see,
as far as my sight could help me
The ocean stretches
to no end.
but now,
I feel you.

You and me
now in close vicinity
I retrace your face
melt under the memory of your stare
bask in the feeling of your smell
dance along, echoing your voice
and your hair
do I have to explain?

I feel you
close to me
near me
and I am happy.



1207 hours (28/08/09)


Note : Yes I am :')

Misunderstood.

When all you say is the truth
without the sugar coating
or icing
or glaze
or frostings,
they taste it bitterly.

It comes from you
not me.
It is you,
it is not me.

Our minds are corrupted
by the idea of lies.
Not everybody lies
but we lie when we say we never lie
and we lie when we hear the truth
because we do not want the truth
because the truth is sometimes a lie itself.

Think before you say
say what you mean
mean what you feel
feel what you should not ignore
why ignore it if it is there?
why twist my words to be something that isn't said?

I am tired of defending my words
I say what i mean.
I mean what i say.
I say it truthfully
I do not bend what i say.
Open your heart and listen for once!

Not everybody lies.
not everything is a lie
not every truth is ugly
not what I really mean I can say.

I say what I mean
I mean what I say
but I dont say what I truly mean.

Misunderstood.
When I dont explain what I truly mean.
When what I really mean is not what you want to hear.
You dont listen.
You dont want to listen.




0008hours (22/08/09)



You fucking morons.

.

Feelings

And i saw happiness emerging close to me. I am happy. Happiness walks beside me. Smiling the brightest smile. Jealousy, I can see from a distance. Somehow doubt, circles us over our heads. But frustration, lingers.

"I am happy right? How come you're still here?" I call out to it.

Frustration did not say anything. Still, it lingers.

I was annoyed. Therefore, annoyance came nearer to me. Looking all excited as it took another step closer.

"Damn you."

Anger opened an eye; peeped through it to look at me. I shudder. I regained my composure and kept happiness near me. As near as I could. But somehow, somehow, happiness cannot stick to me. I wonder.

Time sticks to me. Time is not always on my side but I always need time. Sometimes, Time will work against me. Other times, Time is on my side. That's what I like about Time. No, not because it doesn't take sides. But because it's certain.

So I continue on with my journey with happiness beside me, Time sticking to me, Annoyance somewhere around, Doubt close by, Sadness, appearing and disappearing and Frustration, lingers.

I'm looking for you. With them, I'm looking for you. Maybe then happiness would stick to me. Maybe that's the last piece of the puzzle. Maybe then frustration would go away. Maybe then they would all go away and only happiness would stay. I got all excited just thinking about the possibilities. Happiness sensed my excitement and smiles brightly. I almost skip down the pathway.

But I feel tired. The pathway is impossibly long. Time's been ticking for far too long. I am exhausted. Sadness now appear and wont disappear. Doubt roam freely above me, looking at me with those eyes making me change my mind millions of times. Annoyance does not stick to me, but it's nearby. Frustration getting closer and closer everyday.

I lost happiness along the way.

Though all seems gloom, I found determination. Determination now is the one who keeps me going. My weak protection against all above. So I continue to walk with determination as my new ally and the very faithful, Time.

The thought of seeing you. The thought of finally founding the last piece of the puzzle. The thought of reuniting with happiness. The thought of you, the thought of you...keeps me going.

"It's time" Time said.

I was so overly excited, overjoyed. The butterflies in my tummy flutter wildly. I was dancing inside. However, doubt shot a question.

"Then where is happiness?"

I..I have no idea.

"Happiness' around. I'm sure. Definitely."

But doubt knows better.

I shake off the thought and walk through the gates with determination and Time by my side. And the others somewhere. I just couldnt care less. We walked until we arrive at a hall.

"This is where it unfolds" said Time.

Time said no more. I could not guess, for they all show no expression. What will 'it' shows. Would it be bad? Awful? or would it be great? Awesome?

"What do you thi......."

I caught a glimpse of you. Time stands still. I cannot see anyone else but you. Only you. I saw happiness. Your happiness. I smiled.

Wait.

YOUR happiness.

"wait, whooww.."

Nobody said a word.

Then I see. I see you, I see your happiness. Laughing without a care in the world. Your happiness. It's sticking to you.

My happiness is your happiness. Shouldnt it be that way? Yes, yes it should.

But that's not my happiness.

Frustration approached me then sticks to me. Its tentacles wrap itself around me. It engulfs me hungrily and smiled a sinister smile.

This is not how it's suppose to be. It should be, it should be me finding you with MY happiness which is YOUR happiness as well. That's the condition for my happiness to stick to me. But this, this is not how it should be. No, no. This cannot be happening. No,no.

"Get off me!" I pushed frustration away.

Its too late. Frustration is glued to me.

"No...no.."

I looked at you again. I remembered what you said. You said you love me. You said you need me. You said you want me. You said you miss me. You said, you said. But you said...and you never show me. And you just say it. And you dont feel it. And you lied.

"Honey..."

Time took a step towards me.

"Dont."

Time retreated back to its place.

I cannot see doubt. I wonder if its gone, or if its implanted itself in my heart. Like a vine, creeping its way around in my heart. I cannot see annoyance. Maybe its gone. Maybe. I dont fucking care. Oh now I see. Its inside me, firing me up. Sadness is gone. That I know. Because I can see devastation next to me. Like the goddess of the Night. Gloomy and dark.

I see now. You dont need me do you? You never did. You dont want me do you? You always say you do. You never love me do you? ....you did right? Right?

I lay down on the stone floor. Cold and hard...but not as cold as my heart. I shiver vigorously. My heart is breaking. Its sound echoes in the deafening silence

Why did you give me hopes only to crush them before my eyes?

My obscured sight spotted a figure. Its hair violently waving behind. A dark aura surrounding it. Seeming to suck every bit of light nearby. A sense of hopelessness wash over me as it comes nearer and nearer.

Despair.

.


2233hours (09.08.09)

Rama-rama

Bila rindu terbang ke langit ,
bagai rama-rama mencari bunga,
aku senyum.
Kerana aku, fikirkan kamu.


Jangan bunuh rama-rama itu,
tanda keikhlasanku.
Biar bayu membantu,
rama-rama mencarimu,
membawa kata hatiku.
Sayu.
Kerana aku rindu.


Jangan dikau hanya melihat indahnya rama-rama,
dengarlah bisikannya,
untuk kamu,
dariku.
Dengarlah dengar,
untuk kamu,
dari aku.
Sungguh aku ingin tahu,
apa katamu,
sesudah semua terungkai.


Bila rama-rama menghilang,
jangan dicari lagi.
Hilang rama-rama,
hilanglah keikhlasanku,
hilang kata hatiku.
Dan bila aku membisu,
jangan dicari suaraku,
tidak akan kau ketemu.
Jangan dicari suaraku,
terlambat sudah semuanya.


Pergi rama-rama,
cari dirinya,
bisikkan kata,
lihat reaksinya.
Apa katanya?
Apa ekspresinya?
Aku kan menunggu,
kembalinya rama-rama.




2233hours (31/07/09)








Note : Inspired by the title of the play written by Noordin Hassan. I love that line very much ; Jangan Bunuh Rama - Rama. And I do love the play as well. Extremely well written. how i wish! ahhh!

.

Cigarette

I've been smoking this cigarette
long since my first.
Its packaging changed since then.
Its name remains the same.
Tastes slightly different since then.
Addictive, all the same.

I tried.
Five to one packet per day.
In vain.

Constantly stuck,
glued in my mind,
how it tastes.

I promised.
One last puff, I said.
And so I took one long drag.
Invading every space in my mouth
like a ravenous beast hunting its prey.
Attacking my throat,
smoothly gliding through
heating them,
penetrating through my alveoli
filling my lungs
with dances from the dark.

I relish every moment.
Euphoria.

The cigarette in my hand screaming with victory.

Just like how I can't give it up.
I can't give up on you.
I smoke you.





2047 hours (26/07/09)

Satellite

I orbit you
like a satellite.

Enlighten me, you said.
Dismissed, the data I sent.
You only make assumptions.
You only see what you want to see.
I have shown you everything.
How then, can I possibly?

Damaged.
Like a broken satellite.
Who would have known.




2029 hours (16/07/09)

I know

I know.

I know the possible outcomes of this situation. I know. I know that there is a higher risk of the fall than there is the beginning of something. I know. I know that grey clouds are crowding over my head. I know. I know that important thing that I seem to "forget" to tell all the souls that are cheering for me. I know. I know that thing is what bothers me the most. I know. I know that thing should be enough to keep me away, far, far away, and even further. I know.

I know. I know. I know.

Yet here I am.



You're like an old habit. Something I'm so used to. Something I cant break away from.


Nor do I want to.
.

Injustice

It is not fair.

Gloomy grey clouds crowd over my head. Threatening to release its contents. Down pouring, down, down, down. A heavy shower indeed. If you think that I would be afraid, you thought wrong. I rise to challenges, therefore, do not tempt me.

I want to think but I do not want to think about you. It's not confusing really. It is surprising how unconfused I feel. I know what Im feeling. For once, I am sure. I do not know about you, however. Nevertheless, not about you, I would want to think.

She asked me that question. I gave up thinking if anyone would. It caught me off guard. It chased away the clouds over my head. It painted the sky blue and clear. It called the wind and I can hear birds sing. I see the sun smiling at me. Instantly, I feel happy. What a feeling.


It is not fair.


Why do I only get the sparkle in my eyes when I think about you?

.

Time will tell

I have this, floating in mind
for hours and days and years
though I tried to repress it
but i...

Beauty, is not I
nor am i embraced by fame
i do not possess wealth
nor am i blessed with endless gifts
it ticks differently, my mind
and imperfections surround me
far from perfection
i am.

I have nothing more
to offer from any other lass.

But,
i wish you to know
my heart,
my soul,
my everything
is yours,
and yours alone.
Do with it what you desire.

I would love to move forward
if only I know where to go.

I will wait.
till it knows you no more
or
till it owns you forever.

Time,
will come and rescue me
the way i want it to
or the way it will.

I will be waiting for.




1959 hours (04/07/09)


Note : all that i can say.

Jiwang karat

Buat Seseorang

Setiap denyutan nadiku,
setiap hembusan nafasku,
setiap detikan waktu,
adalah,
buat seseorang.

Wahai seseorang,
dengarlah bisikan hati ini
yang ingin sekali dikau mengerti
dirinya.

Wahai seseorang,
walau alam bisa pisahkan kita
jika kamu ingat aku
pasti,
tiada sempadan antara kita.

Wahai seseorang,
tiada kata terindah
tiada karya terunggul
yang mampu kucipta
buat kamu,
untuk mengerti kata-kata hati.
Apakah kamu sanggup mendengar bayu?

Harapanku hanya
kita dalam frekuensi yang sama
jelas buatmu mendengar.
Dibawah langit yang sama
ditaburi bintang
aku fikirkan kamu
dan
kamu fikirkan aku.

Selamat tinggal.
Kita akan berjumpa lagi,
aku percaya.



0532 hours (29/06/09)


Notes : ha ha ha

Roads

My dear
this i write
i write because of you
for i have been thinking
but i could not find anything

i have walked
for so long
so far
it is no surprise that i am tired
exhausted
still i walk

i found intersections
how was i to make a decision?
tired and exhausted.
but i did
and i walked
and it led me back to where i started

i have walked for so long
so far
now, what should i do.


1829 hours (01/07/09)

I keep on waiting

The void I feel inside
won't go away
you're haunting me
I can't fight.
The longing.
I can't fight
nor am I waving the white flag.

You shall be the death of me
yet you're the reason I'm living
soul, you betrayed me
you served a different master
when you're mine, you are mine.
Heart, you disappoint me
beating hard for someone else
beating slow when we're alone.

I remain faithful
though others are disloyal
faithful to you.

Not one I can fight
not I, to surrender
I keep on waiting
for the call to guide me home
I keep on waiting
I keep on waiting.




1251 hours (26/-6/09)

The Captain

On a beautiful day, a ship landed near the shore. The villagers stood on guard, prepared for anything that might come. Though with a huge skull painted on a black cloth as their flag; their pride, what they hold on to; their life; these pirates came offering peace. All they wanted was to regain their strength and restock their food supply and tools for their next voyage. So the pirates and the villagers had a deal. No one from either side would cause any harm to the other if none from either cause any harm to one another.

For the first few days, the villagers were afraid. Very afraid. It was not like no pirates had attacked the village before. Though these men came offering peace and made a deal, the suspicions firing in the villagers heart could not be extinguish easily. They are, after all, called pirates. And no one would be stupid enough to believe in a pirate's words. However, none can deny the strong willingness to believe in their words this time. Including me.

Maybe my feelings towards the pirates were clouded with my silly dreams to be one of them. The freedom they have to sail away with no worries surrounding them, oh who would not dream of such a life. I know, however, that it is impossible for me. I'm a girl. I could never be one of the pirates.

Soon, the villagers and the pirates no longer exchange suspicious looks but greetings. The word pirate, brought no negative feelings anymore. Now, my story is not about how we should not judge a book by its cover. No, no. The Captain.

Captain, as he is called, is the captain of the pirates. One might have the impression that he has a hook for his right hand, black dirty curly hairs with gold teeth and a belly to match but how wrong one could be. Captain, has clean cut hair, with perfect eye-blinding white teeth and an impressive physique to match. In other words, Captain is perfect.

One who has a look that was carved in the heavens. One who knows his way with words. One with manners. One with excitement oozing from all around him. One who can charm his enemies away. One who stole my precious away. Oh the captain. In a short period of time, he managed to. Without a fight, I surrendered. My precious was all his, and his to own. But the captain knows not. The captain knows not.

Captain often tells us tales from around the world. And one would not miss the admiration in the ladies eyes. One would not be such a fool to slip and offered the dearest thing of theirs. One would always keep their feet on the ground and not fly away with the music the cupid played. One would not be such fool. Oh yes, one would miss out on life.

I build up my courage for quite a while. With encouragements and positive thinking, I tried. However, no matter how high the courage I built, I still fear Captain would look away. I fear Captain would throw my precious away. Though I know Captain. I know. I still fear.

I let myself argue in my head for days and days to come until finally, the day came for the pirates to leave for their next voyage. It is now or never, I told myself. I ran with all my might. The villagers were all crowding the ship, offering last advices and bidding them goodbye. I searched for Captain. I saw Captain. I waved. Captain smiled. And Captain left with it, my precious. I waved.

We might never see each other again but I would not trade these memories for anything. Not even for the most valuable thing on the planet. I do not feel like I lost something though my precious went with him. For my precious does not belong to me to begin with. My precious is his, and his to own. Though he knows not. He knows not.

I will wait for you, Captain. I will wait for you to realize that you own my precious. For every beatings, it beats for you. For now, I can only let the wind carry my words to you.

Ahoy Captain, we will meet again and the cupids will sing.

The Umbrella

Its almost two months now. I've been counting down the days since that day. It's pathetic really.

There's no such thing as drought now. I dont even have to sacrifice any little girls to call the rain god. The rain god seems to like me very much. He wont leave my side and so it rains a lot. All the time. I let the rain god bring the rain. Though I have no umbrella with me, I let the rain god bring the rain. I don't give a damn anymore. My umbrella, my umbrella broke. I still keep my umbrella. I love that umbrella to bits. It's something really special to me. Im trying really hard to find a way to fix that umbrella but it seems to be broken beyond repair. That fact saddens me.

The rain god thought that by bringing the rain, and with me without my umbrella, I would give in to him. He was wrong. I let him bring the rain for I have no strength to chase him away. I have no will to care about what he's trying to do. So I choose to ignore him. My action seems to enrage the rain god. Therefore, he brought more and more rain. So it rains harder and harder. All the time. And I, I just sit there, soaked from head to toe, with my broken umbrella.

The umbrella has been such a comfort to have by my side. It protects me from the sun and it also protects me from the rain. I relied on it too much . I didnt take good care of it. I took it for granted. But its too late for such realization for my umbrella, is broken.

Everyday since that day, Ive sit here and stare at my broken umbrella. Ive been sitting under the rain ever since. I want to try and fix it, but the sharp edges sticking out from it made me have second thoughts. Im afraid that I'll cut myself. So Ive been sitting under the rain ever since.

Im a coward.

Tale from an I

I was happy
living in the bubble
til' it bursts
and I,
thrown out.

I know.
But I created fiction
hoping it'll form my reality
somehow it's only fantasy.
It bleeds.

Why not a red rose?

Filled its head with tales from the West
no wonder it falls.
It broke, but it knows.
It already knew.
Voices asking, why?

Echoes in the dark
beating, beating.

Is it not better now than before?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes it is hard.

Why take a plunge, knowing only the fall awaits?

I have hopes and dreams
only under the moonlight
will they be clear to you.
I'll show you.
One day.

Again, maybe not.

The situation is at fault.

I can no longer deny
I can no longer lie
O you complicated thing.

I have hopes, I have dreams
I have you.

Time isn't a problem
do you want me?




2045 hours (14/06/09)

I, you.

Do you not know?
I walked out on life
still standing here;
not my soul.

I wish I can say
it is free and happy.
Lies.
Pressed and stretched to its limit
somewhere I could not find.
I lost it
the day I lose you.

An object; my body
does its job well in daily life
but none is done with passion
all are done under an obligation.

Too busy I am
searching for my soul;
in vain.

I know.

I would find it
If I,
you.


2159 hours (11/06/09)

Wishes

All I have to do is,
pick up and dial
dial and hello
hello and ...

I fear the unknown.

I am under an attack
by the what ifs army
Im surrounded by them
trapped in a circle
with no ways of escaping.

I wish I live in a dream
where all my wishes come true.

I wish to be with you.




2146 hours (11/06/09)


Note : shit.

In his element.

When I thought I recovered
in deeper I fall
I falter.

Memories, were erased
but a new one form
one I cant deny its perfection
one with him in his element

O how can I resist
such a beautiful sight
O how can I resist
such a lovely melody
I sigh.

Perfection,
when he is in his element.





2225 (29/05/09)

Concussion

Shivering
In this hour of confusion
drowning in these chaotic thoughts
trying to find the words best to use
will i find you?

Once,
it was warm and elated
that light firing in your eyes
now it is cold and hard
spearing pieces and pieces of my heart.

Maybe it is I, to be blamed
for freezing the scorching flame
oh what a crime committed
It started a war
a battle neither won but one
only sorrow.

Now I sit here waiting
for it to come.

An explosion of a thousand words.
but all i could see
is I miss you.



1722 (23/05/09)


concussion :
1. shock caused by the impact of a collision, blow, etc.
2. the act of violently shaking or jarring.

Stay

When everything seems to fall apart
and you're lost in your confusion
when you stumble and fall into a hole
and darkness gleefully wraps its arms around you
when evil thoughts threaten to translate into actions
and you're too weak to say no
run away
run to me
I'll save you from your misery
I might not give much
my ears, my mind and my sympathy are all that I could offer
I might not make things right
but I will try to make it all better.

But what if I'm not around?
Does that mean you're going to let yourself drown?
that's not how it should be, my friend
you should stay until the end.

In life,
there will always be complications
added with confusions
and a lot of frustrations
all wrap in one situation
but just be patient
and you'll see
things are not as bad as it seems.

When darkness tries to take over you
focus on the light at the end of the tunnel
just a little longer
stay a little stronger
you'll make it through
i can assure you.

So stay a little stronger
wait a little longer
you're going to make it through
I believe in you.


2000 (06/05/09)

especially dedicated to all my friends. Cause I know things are rough for all of us right now.

The Big Grey Elephant

There was a time
when no silence fill the spaces between us
there was a time
when nothing can stop our conversations
there was a time
when time isnt a limiting factor
but those times,
are long gone
i tried searching for it
but could not find it.

The great distance between us
we cannot handle
so we act like there's no problem
and shove the elephant to fill the space
but every play has its ending
and that's when we have to stop pretending.

Even with an elephant to fill the space
the space between us is still great
in time the big grey elephant gets annoying
and every day gets even more frustrating.

So i tried moving the elephant
and i succeed.
Little did i know
that it's the only thing keeping us together.
Little did i know.
Little did i know.


2044 (18/04/09)

The whole world said hello
but you, remained silent.
The whole world cares,
but you, pretended Im not there.
The whole world stopped
but you, continuedd to walk.

I fail to understand
why the whole world
and why not you?
Have I not the care of what the whole world would
but I care about how would you.

But you have prove to not care
and its painful to see
and to smell it
and to breathe it
and to taste it
but most of all to accept it
its like a giant rock squashing me.

What have I done
to be punished so cruelly?
Have I done something that hurt you?
Have I said something that poisoned you?
Have I..
Have I?

I fail to understand
what you have done
what you are doing
what i should do
why the whole world would,
but why, just not you.

23.43 (01/05/09)

-Circles-

Think before you speak out your mind
don't assume others would not mind
cause you're not the only one in the world
and we live in one big circle
so, what goes around, comes back around
and sometimes it hits the wrong person.

12.34pm (01/03/09)

-Silence-

Silence.
As I look at you looking at me.
Questioning, what happens now?
This evil silence,
so deafening, so painful to hear.
Cause when there are thousands to say
when there are only inches left to be close
when only joules of energy are needed to smile
silence, extends it pseudopodia
and
silence engulfs us.


Silence.
As I smile at you smiling at me.
Answering, what's on our minds.
This beautiful silence
so loud and clear, so perfect to our ears.
Cause everything is said through this silence
the distance between us is destroyed
no effort is needed to smile as it comes naturally
so silence, extends it pseudopodia
and
silence engulfs us.


The silence between us,
is sometimes good and is sometimes bad.


When we give each other the frozen stares
when I can only feel the wind as you passed by
when we let ourselves drown inside our thoughts
when I answer the question "what's on your mind" with my own ideas
when we could've just ask and try
We let ourselves be engulfed by the silence
and silence, fills the spaces between us
and soon suffocate us with its deafening echoes.


When we melt under each other's stares
when we feel each other's presence
when we hear each other's thoughts
when we are on the same lamda
when I know what you're thinking just by looking into your eyes
when all we need to do is smile
Silence, is the only thing we need,
the one thing that we do not hear
and in this silence, we always want to be.


But, even the most perfect silence
is not enough.
We cannot stay inside the silence
Cause some things just need to be said out loud.
And thus,
the silence, has to be broken.
So tell me what you're thinking,
cause the silence is not telling much.


My dear,
all the silence between us,
has to be broken.





-Lii
03.52pm (19/02/09)

-Footsteps-

I stand at the corridor
and I stare into space.
It's not him I'm looking at,
not her as well.
I'm looking at you,
from the pieces of my memory.
I can feel the wind, I hear the footsteps, I hear my thoughts.
I see you, and I smile.
All of a sudden,
the sound of the footsteps stops next to me.
No longer can I feel the wind or hear my thoughts
as I listen to the beatings of my own heart.
I look at you, and I smile.


-Lii
4.07pm (19/02/09)

-The pendulum-

I have no problems
just that one problem
and Im sick of that problem
it is oscillating like a pendulum.

my face is always damp
i dont see the end of it madame
i can not not give a damn
cause i am actually afraid to know the end

so i think ill just pretend
the pendulum will swing to no end.


-Lii
04.14 pm (08/02/09)

-My Camouflage-

Mask your pain with a smile,
and everything will look fine.
They'll think it hurts less,
and you couldnt care less,
when everything is a mess,
and you're really depressed,
so mask your pain with a smile.

Mask your pain with a smile,
it doesn't matter if he smiled.
He doesn't feel a thing,
cause to him, youre nothing,
even if to you, he's everything,
but you're the only one who's holding on to that 'thing'
so mask your pain with a smile.

Mask your pain with a smile,
cause I know you've tried.
And I know you're hurting,
and you're still hoping,
although it is very tiring,
cause you know he's not coming,
so mask your pain with a smile.

Mask your pain with a smile,
and everything will look just fine.



-Lii
9.20am (08/02/09)

(untitled)

lets play a game of hide and seek,
you hide and i'll seek.
lets play a game of tag,
you run and ill come find you.
but im not in the mood for yoyo,
cause it makes me loco.
but youre so interested in that game,
its such a shame.

it goes up and it goes down,
i really dont want to frown.
boy, you're so confusing,
i dont find it amusing.

i need to know
even if it blows.
anything would be better than a game of yoyo,
cause it makes me loco.

-Lii
2.46pm (24/01/09)

-The Unsent Letter-

On a piece of paper,
i wrote a letter,
an unsent letter,
about everything that matters.

it once was lost,
but now is found.
could not figure out what to do,
should i give or should i not to you.

an old letter, about old thoughts.
i try to remember, all the notes.
oh it is a secret, between you and me.
but that's impossible, cause i'm the only one who believes,
in the existence of the unsent letter, about everything that matters,
and now i remember, what i should've always remember,
it's your happiness that matters, regardless of who i am to thee,
so now i am perfectly fine,
Yours truly, me.



-Lii
(04.29pm /17.01.09)