I know you

I walked along the aisle, looking for an interesting read. I was in the mood for change. I laughed. I'm really kidding myself.

"Whatever" I muttered under my breath.

I shoved those ill thoughts far far away in the back of my head. It's threatening to go out. Pushing its way out..

"ahhh! Fuck YOU!" I screamed a little scream.

"ssssssh" added with disapproval stares.

Great. Just what I need. I am in need of disapproval, ladies and gentlemen. Thank You. I guess you don't want me to forget him,no? I will not then.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no no no noooo. Go away! Yeah, I was arguing with myself as I walk along the aisle. FML.

Right. I don't remember this shelf. Maybe I'd find something new here. Something that'll spice up my life. Something that'll CHANGE. What, I have no clue. Just CHANGE. I need CHANGE. I threw a dirty look to the space next to me. Assuming it was my other self next to me.

My hand brushed against a book. I looked at the book and took it out from the stack. The front cover is a blank page. Interesting. I opened the first page and it read, 'Are you ready?' in bold and large font. I was suddenly excited.

"Yes." I said.

Next page read, 'What do you want?"

"I want t-t-t-to to to......forget him...." I stuttered.

"Is that what you really want?"

"...."

"Thought so."

"What the fuck?"

It was as if it read my mind. Whoww, now this is creepy. But somehow, something made me resist the involuntary action of my body that is to drop the book and, run. I turned the next page.

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit. ...Like shit."

"Does he know?"

"I dont think so. Even if he does, he doesn't fucking care, does he?"

"Now think about this, how do you feel when you thought about knowing him?"

I think. I let myself dive inside the memories of first getting to know him. Much to the delight of my very emotional self. I thought about how we first met, the times spent talking, our conversations, the jokes we laughed at, the people we mocked and laughed at, the times we fought each other's pain, the times when I have him and he has me and we were each other's support system, the pain we inflicted on each other, the pain, the pain and the smiles and laughter and your hair and your smell and your voice and your eyes and your smile and you.

"Oh God, I love you" I whispered.

I pressed my hand to my chest and choke on the air I tried to inhale as I try to regain my composure. I fought the tears that are welling in my eyes. I turned the next page.

"It hurts?"

"Is that a statement?"

"Okay and now, what about if you never knew him?"

My brain could not even comprehend to such thought. I was shaking my head and pulling back from the book at the same time. The movement caused the page to turn.

"Cmon. Give it a try."

I froze.

Right then and there the book sounded exactly like.

"Okayy..." I exhaled suddenly gaining confidence at that thought.

So what if I never knew you?

My life would not be the same. At all. Period.

How would I freaking know? God!

Okay, okay, I'll give this a shot.

My life..would probably be...like..winter. Wait, what? That just popped in my head. Winter? Hmm..Winter is cold, and chilly. The days are short and nights are long. Snow gives happiness to you one day, and more sorrow as the month stretches. I'd have my fun, playing with the snow, on ice. But I for sure would be missing the Sun that brightens up my day. Activities are limited during winter. Winter is cold and....depressing. And sad. Winter lack colours. Winter feels lonely. Winter...winter.

Winter is like a life without knowing you.

And again I fought back tears that are flowing. In vain.

I turned the page.

"But you do know him"

"I do, I do"

And thank God I do.

I smiled and wiped away my tears. Then I think of you when we first knew each other. Our memories all replayed itself like a movie in my head. The film stopped rolling up till the last memory I have of you.

....

Do I still do?


The last page was blank.