Saturday 25 December 2010

Teman

Di bawah langit biru
aku di sini
mengejar mimpi
mencari diri.

Ingin ku dakap semua
mimpi dan kamu, kamu dan kamu
biar seiring dengan langkahku
telah aku cuba
namun mampukah seorang manusia membina
piramid sehebat piramid Giza?

Tidak.
Aku tidak mampu.
Aku hanya manusia biasa
yang bisa letih dan menduga
Dan aku sudah letih
Dan aku tidak lagi percaya
pada keikhlasanmu,
pada kita.

Wahai teman,
aku rindu kita yang dahulu
Ketika aku bersorak untuk kamu
dan kamu bersorak untuk aku.
Ketika bahumu tempatku bersandar
melepaskan lelah serta keluh kesah terhadap dunia.

Wahai teman,
kau berjanji akan sentiasa berada disisiku
kau telah berjanji ini dan itu.
Namun kau tipu.

Kau bukan yang dahulu lagi
Kau tidak percaya pada persahabatan ini lagi
Kau seperti malu
Aku kurang kelayakan di matamu.

Kau dan dia dan dia sama sahaja
Aku tertipu lagi.


2318 hours (25/12/2010)

Nota : 1. Ya, aku pun sudah tidak peduli lagi.
2. Contemporary writing?

Monday 8 November 2010

Time

The clock ticks
telling me it is time.
I already knew
but I needed more signs.

The clock ticks
telling me it is time.
I ignored
all the signs.

The clock ticks
recording the time.
And I curl at the corner of the room
accompanied by misery

The clock ticks
rewinding the time
We are all-a-merry
going round and round.
Or were we?

The clock ticks
telling me it is time.
I have come to my senses
what little of my pride

The clock ticks
It is time.
One feet at one time,
going away.

The clock ticks
telling me the time
12 o'clock, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock and so on.


2232 hours (8/11/10)

Saturday 16 October 2010

Painted memories

Every time I close my eyes
I wonder
to where will my thoughts be adrift.
I was afraid that it will drift to a memory
I no longer wish to keep.
It has been awhile
and I felt my wounds starting to heal
and only left me with scars
that remind me
where I have been.

You were the wound that bled me
'till I'm all dried up.
You were the wound that cut me
in so deep.

But I was healing
and you, remain a scar.
But a scar hurts more than a wound
sometimes.


2317 hour (16/10/10)
The Queen

I try with my hands and my knees
my brain pitching in.
With my eyes and my ears on guard
so my mouth'll be in control.

But my heart could never reach your heart.
Have you seen my soaked pillows?
the tears I shook away.
Have you heard of my pain?
the screams in my head.
Have you ever notice my happiness?
the shape of my broken smiles.

Was I ever good enough for you?


2106 hour (16/10/10)
M

You have shown me your tears
You have told me of the trophies you deserve
You have reasoned and justified
and yes, I have seen them
and yes, I understand
and yes, I know.

You throw your tantrums
You shout your silences
You burnt me with your stares
and you made you the centre of my life.

You want to be pleased
You want to be satisfied
but you are never
you are never.

Will you learn to be happy?
Will you learn to be thankful?
Age is creeping on you
and I'm sorry I can never do you justice
but I have tried.
I have tried.


2043 hour (16/10/10)

Tuesday 12 October 2010

Be my Sun
be my moon
I'll be your cloud
I'll be your star
I'll be with you
eternally.


Note : something I wrote last year, I think.

Saturday 9 October 2010

The Universe


Like the end of a downpour
the pitter-patter of the raindrops,
stopping.
Like the smell of freshly mowed grass,
fading.
I loved you.

Like how the Sun shows its affection to Earth
hugging it with its light
by day
and reminds Earth that it loves it still
through the Moon reflecting its light
by night
and hence,
it loves it always.
I have loved you with all my might.

But even the Sun will eventually come to its end.
I have loved you.


2226 hour (09/10/10)


Note : and life goes on.

Saturday 2 October 2010

Shadow

I am going to hide behind the shadows of gone,
even when I am here.
Because there is no point in reminding,
there is no point in stepping out of the shadow
because I am just a shadow.

A shadow.

You see and you forget.
You know it is there and you don't care
A shadow overshadowed by another
Another is important,
but, not I,
the shadow.

Just a shadow,
a shadow.
And what would you feel if you were just a shadow?
I know for I,
am just a shadow
for they,
who do not care.

But alas,
they are just a shadow
to a shadow.


1601 (2/10/10)


Note: .

Wednesday 29 September 2010

The Judge


When your eyes
met
mine.
Sublime.


0744 (24/09/10)


Note : .
Yasmine


Precious,
you are,
do not doubt it for a second.
Such a rarity
a beautiful soul.
You were beautiful.
You are beautiful.


0752 (24/09/10)




Note : You shall always remain in our hearts, love. <3

Friday 17 September 2010

Maybe I don't deserve you.

Or maybe you don't deserve me.

Whichever it is, we are the epitome of what is not meant to be.

Thursday 16 September 2010

Present

I must have been out of my mind.

I thought this was the ticket
to the next stop
my destination.
But this
is a whole new journey
so full of challenges
but still my ticket
to the next stop
my destination.

This journey (I thought when I choose to take it)
will be a breeze
but it is but that.
I am stuck in this train ride
going insanely fast
curving left to ride
when I still am in this state of mind
that I just board this ride.

1749hours 16/09/10


But I am not
for I
am already halfway through

What am I to do
Tell me what am I to do
I am lost in this ride
I am lost in this ride
going insanely fast


1006 hour (17/09/10)

Sunday 5 September 2010

Unreachable

I
have been searching
and each and every one
I
found
I
thought was the one that
I
was looking for.

I
was always proven wrong
for each and every one that
I
found
was not, will not and shall not be
the one that
I
am looking for.

I
had it broken
so many times
in the pursuit of finding
you.

You,
I
have found someone like
you
maybe it is
you
maybe my dream will come true.

But
I
have not the courage
nor the confidence
to even try
and if
I
don't
will you?

You
are unaware of my existence
indifferent to my presence
might not think that
I
was what you were looking for.

And so
you
remain
unreachable.


0633 hour (06/09/10)


Note : Creep by Radiohead

Thursday 26 August 2010

Soldier

I fought through battles and battles
I am here,
a worn out soldier.
A soldier nevertheless
I shall continue fighting through my battles
giving up will not be one of my commands
I shall arrange an epic strategy
for me to succeed
For I have the spirit of a soldier
and I know every battles would one day end
I am strong,
strong as a soldier.

0950 hour (27/08/10)


Notes : Insipired by AJ Rafael's "My Soldier" song. It's a really good song. It helped me to keep holding on when the goings get tough.

Friday 13 August 2010

Help

I convinced myself
that I have the strength
the will and the passion
the highest determination
to pursue a future
in this field
hence I took the road already taken
and this is where it led me

Exposed and told of its difficulties
I have
But have I not the idea
that it would be this harsh on me
you can see my brain it's boiling
and my soul it's ripping
I lost every essence of me
as I convert into this confusion
I now claim as me

Do you have any idea?
How I can convince myself
that I have the strength
the will and the passion
the highest determination
because I set to find me
but I find myself losing more of me.

1502 hour (11/08/10)

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Are your hands warm?

Because I'd like you to hold mine.


1645hours (4/8/10)

Thursday 8 July 2010

To love

If every word
I write
will get me closer
to love
I would write endlessly.

(07/07/10)

Saturday 29 May 2010

Happiness

Welcome o welcome!
I hold you dear and close to my heart
I yearn for you but I fear you'll break me apart
O why must you be such and such
when all I want is to feel you much

In the week the devil was absent
and I thought I have gotten a consent
to have you near
to hold you dear
But the devil was playing games
and I, his knight.

Why must one rain on my parade?
Why must there be a barricade
between you and me.


1127 hour (30/05/10)

Friday 30 April 2010

Only Human

I'm reading but I cannot make out the words written.
I'm looking but my vision is obscured.
I'm not listening.
I'm not listening

Throwing out your way of seeing it
And I see what it is that you are seeing
I'm seeing but I'm seeing something else besides
I'm seeing frustration and you're seeing opportunities
I see what you see
but understand what I'm seeing.

I need a moment
give me a moment
I need a moment.
For I am only human.

0220 hour (01/05/10)

Notes : Thanks for making my mind even worst. Thanks. This is on my future.

Saturday 24 April 2010

The Ugly Truth

You and me
stick together like mac and cheese
never really stick; always around each other.
I once thought we have an atomic bond.
I was wrong.

The acid that is our feelings
and all the words said
the acid that is the truth
corrodes the bond that was formed
weak as it is because of words unspoken
now melted, corroded, bit by bit.

I need only to create a distance
and push you away
and wait for a time
when you have grown tired
when all we shall remain
is what we once were.

1817 hour (24/04/10)

Monday 19 April 2010

Kau Kan Tahu

Buat satu tempoh
kau menangguh
mengucapkan
kata-kata
hatimu.

Kini
kugenggam jawapan
dan pabila itu
patah sayapku
kukuburkan harapanku
gugur hatiku
dan berkecai takhta
yang kau rampas
yang enggan kau simpan.

Dan satu hari nanti
dikau kan mengerti
erti satu cinta
tulus dari hati
yang dibuang
tidak dipeduli.
Akan kau rasai
peritnya penderitaan ini
Dan akan kau sesali
melepaskanku pergi.


0011 hour (20/04/10)

Wednesday 14 April 2010

Senses

I wish my legs will take me,
far away from here;
from this misery and frustration;
from this pain beyond imagination.

I wish my eyes won't see,
the truth that is blinding;
the eyesores that you created;
and you and your devil, at best.

I wish my ears will listen,
no more of my breaking heart;
to my mind, screaming words of abuse;
to you and bleed.

I wish my mouth would speak,
some sense to my heart;
and comfort my mind;
to you; to leave

I wish my mind would take a minute,
out of understanding this predicament
and just be angry;
out of thinking of you.

I wish my heart would stop
aching
breaking
beating
for you.

Numb me of my senses,
I won't take no more,
I can't take no more,
I shan't take no more,
none of these,
none of you.


2230 hour (14/04/10)

Wednesday 7 April 2010

I see you.

It would be truly unfair if I were to say, "What did I see in you, anyway?"

For once upon a time, I did see something.

But I remember not what it is I've seen.

Yes, yes, I saw something in you.

Now all I see, is you.

Wednesday 31 March 2010

No matter how hard I try to convince myself.

And if I could, I would kiss the grounds you walk on.

I couldn't do that. I shouldn't do that.

You don't deserve that.

Tuesday 30 March 2010

Miracle

If you would walk with me into the past you shall see, how we were strangers before, not knowing your right to my left, your left to my right. By some miracle, I found your left, and you found my right. But that was that.

Walk a little more with me and you shall see, how I saw you with indifference before, not knowing you would soon become, the most important thing in my life. You never did see me. By some miracle, I saw you and you saw me.

Now, my dear, even further if you will. Endless routes mapping our journey, but which one to take? It is all the same, I assure you, the same destination they all lead. Ah yes, I figure curiosity would bit you, then we shall walk this path, that opened up recently. Ah yes, it is but different from all the others. Oh no, my dear, I have yet to find where it leads.

This is the path you lead me now.

By some miracle, let it be a miracle.

Tuesday 23 March 2010

An Attraction

Always have
but have never admitted.
let it passed
let it go
Until one day
you came and reminded me
what have always but was never admitted.

And I have admitted
and is admitting
but that is that.
For this must be
a simple
and, is just
a harmless
innocent
attraction.


2337 hour (21/03/10)

Monday 15 March 2010

Solo

My days echo silence
and silence become deafening
Too loud to listen
too loud to hear
one's heart.

It beats indeed
frantic and sometimes slow
Trying too hard
to feel.

What is this hollow space?
echoing the silence
so loud and deafening.
What is this void?
filling me
empty.


0103 hour (16/03/10)


Note : Happy 100th post.

Saturday 13 March 2010

This letter

My dear darling,

What's taking you so long? I'm just...here. Come as soon as possible and please, be sure.

Love you.

Thursday 11 March 2010

Ego

Bitter,
this unpleasant taste.
With courage
I carved those smiles
and push away my tears
all for you
all for you.

This unpleasant taste
feels different
unfamiliar
and hurtful.
Or maybe,
it is just an old feeling
too familiar
and hurtful.

The battle,
this is how I lose.
This is how my ego bruise.


2310 hour (11/03/10)

Tuesday 9 March 2010

The Battle of The Heart and The Mind


I should grow out of this habit of mine
thinking you are thinking of my
well-being and health
and possibly, my very face.

That very thought
is not only impossible to have
also to happen
I am aware.

But I write to speak for my heart
and at this moment
my heart says, so do you.
and it infuriates me that my heart says
that you wrote of me
when it isn't true, says my mind.

This is the battle of my heart and my mind
And you have complete power over who becomes the victor
Maybe my heart should not win
for nothing good will come of it
neither will there be
if it is the other way round.


0153 hour (10/03/10)
Yang Pasti.

Jangan kau usir
suara dalam mindamu
yang bingit.
Peringatan buatmu
agar sentiasa begerak,
maju.

Usirlah dia
suara dalam mindamu
yang bingit.
Melekakanmu,
agar kau sentiasa berhenti,
dan menangguh.

Tiada yang pasti dalam hidup ini.
Cuma satu.
Waktu itu,
bukan milik kita.


2357 hour (09/03/10)

Tuesday 23 February 2010

Want

If only it was your will to give me what I desire, this day would be easier to live by.

I desire not diamonds, nor golds, not a mansion, just someone to hold.

It is not required for my desire to be a knight, or a prince that is charming, or a beast who is a prince, cursed. Nor must he possesses wealth or good looks. Nay, he does not have to be a Shakespeare of his time.

He just has to hold his name and be what he is, who he is. And if he is who I'm drawn to, then he is whom, I desire.

It would be lovely, for him to harbor some interest in me. Then it would be mutual.

If only it was your will to give me what I desire...

Oh help me, I desire thee.

Saturday 20 February 2010

Shooting star

You came like a shooting star
O so bright, you were.
Illuminated my dark sky
shined my entire life.

Your trail of stardust has brought
immeasurable happiness to me
I wish I could catch
the tail of this star
so forever you will be
here with me.

I knew all along
that you were only passing by.
And if wishes do come true,
I'd wish upon you,
for you to keep on shining
O my precious, shooting star.

2024 hour (20/02/10)


Notes : For you.
Watakmu

Aku lihat engkau
dengan peluh hasil keringatmu
mengukir ukiran-ukiran hidup
mewarnai kehidupanmu
dengan suka dan duka
tersenyum sentiasa.

Aku dengar engkau
mendendangkan lagu-lagumu
yang kau cipta di kala sepi
untuk menghiburkan hati
diiringi muzik sakti
agar hilanglah sunyi.

Inginku dakap engkau
agar kau mengerti
engkau bisa bersandar padaku
buanglah lagak kuatmu
Kerana aku tahu,
kisah hatimu.


2008 hour (20/02/10)

Wednesday 17 February 2010

Mimpi.

Indahnya rasa
dibuai lena
dan tibalah aku
di dunia baru.

Suatu ilusi
yang kujadikan memori
terindah dan paling berharga
cerita aku dan dia.

Tiada pengertian
tiada keterangan.
Hanyalah satu mimpi
di malam hari.


2228 hour (17/02/10)

L O V E

I have been through hell and back. I climbed up the heaven to see. I wrote countless poems, sang thousands of songs, memorized millions of sonnets and read a library of books. I have asked family, friends and even people passing by. I have blogged and tweeted and post up definitions, theories and related questions in Facebook. I have read responses from people around the world.

But I still don't get it.


I still don't know what love is.



...


Do you?

Sunday 14 February 2010

Storm

The sea seem so calm
with agreeable waves
hitting the shore
now and then.

But it is not always
the sea changes with weather
and the storm is almost always
here; disrupting its peace
destroying every inch of the walls
built as an army
to stop low-powered tsunamis.

Oh, how I wish I have
all the power to battle
the storm which awaits me
in the darkest hour.



1243 hour (15/02/10)

Friday 5 February 2010

Kisah Aku dan Dia

Jauh di dalam ini
kusut mindaku
memikirkan suatu erti
buat perjuangan ini.

Nun di dalam sana
semuanya hancur dan luluh
mengenangkan kisah
yang tiada permulaan
jua tiada penghujung
kerana tak pernah ada
kisah itu, antara kita.

Kisah aku dan dikau
Rumit dan sukar untukku fahami
Apatah lagi untuk mereka mengerti.
Mampukah dirimu memahami
rasa seseorang yang dipenuhi harapan
namun punah semuanya.
Tak mampu kufahami
rasa si dia pemberi harapan
namun tiada niat memegang janji.

Ingin saja kumusnahkan semua memori
Namun terlalu sukar bagiku
melupakanmu.
Aku telah tewas,
dihadapanmu.

Kini, aku bangkit
menggalas satu semangat baru
dan berjalan
ke arah itu
di mana tiada kamu.
Tinggallah memori
tinggallah kamu.
Aku letih mengikuti kisah itu.


2011 (05/02/10)

You

I can do this. I know I can do this. It can't be that hard, can it?

All these while, I was trying really hard. Friends and family, even I , myself, have been telling me, to quit it, to quit you. You are lethal.

I detoxified myself. I needed to get you out of my system. I unloaded all the pain, heartaches and thoughts I have kept within me. I carved open my heart and soul, and let everything pour out, for you to see. Did you like what you see? I didn't think so.

I need all the hours for it to heal. You broke, smashed and destroyed it to smithereens. Over and over again. Previously, I only somehow managed, to pick the pieces (that are big enough) and patch them up. It looked okay. It thought it was okay. But it never was. You didn't know that, didn't you? Of course you didn't. Or you just blinded your sight and mute out every sound, so you don't have to face how hurtful you have been.

Sorrys only last for so long. The rest, this weary mind has to think of excuses for your inexcusable behaviours. But alas, this weary mind gets too tired to think, and it has to stand another blow, coming from within.

I can't help it. It still aches missing you, thinking of you. It feels like I have not improved at all.

But I'm getting better. I know I am.

Saturday 30 January 2010

Kia.

"Follow me. It's right here. I swear it's right here".

Max followed the voice. The road was getting harder and harder to walk on. The grasses were getting taller. The ground were more and more uneven.

"But...hey, I can't. It's getting too dangerous for me. Hey!"

Then the world just turned black.

Slowly, Max opened his eyelids. His visions were blurred.

"Max? Max?"

He heard a voice calling out his name.

"That voice, where did I heard it before?" he thought.

"Oh God, Max, please answer me. Please."

A few droplets of water fell on his cheeks and trickled to his lips. Salty. Tears. Why is this person crying? What's going on? Where am I?

"...."

I'm fine, where am I? Max tried to speak but could not. Panic, started to build inside of him.

"Max, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that it has to turn out this way..."

What is wrong with you, woman?! My eyes are open, aren't they? Who the hell are you? What are you talking about. Oh my God, call the doctor! Help! I'm alive! Help! Max tried with all his might.

"...I really did not mean for this to happen. Why, Max? Oh God, Max. I love you..."

The machine beeps angrily. The man on the bed was breathing furiously. His eyelids flew open. (Or were they open the whole time?) The crying woman was so surprised. Relief washed over her and as soon as that happens, a mixture of guilt and sympathy replaces it.

Max stared at her, hard. He opened his mouth to say something.

"I love, you, Kia", he croaked.

"...but that is all."

And then she left.

It was not fair how she left. How she also left a mountain of questions, hanging in the air, when she carries her body, and every memories, out of the door.

"I told you it was here." said the voice.

And the ring of the alarm clock drowns the voice and Max's breaking heart.

Tuesday 26 January 2010

Fin

So maybe, in the end, it's not a happy ending. But must it be a sad ending?

Why must it end?

Let's just continue the journey.

Tuesday 19 January 2010

Dark

In this darkness
I seek
a beacon
that shall be my guide
to drive me away
and save me
from its greed.

The flame of confusion
is always lit
and yet it brings no difference
to one's vision
only one's feelings.

I stumble upon this darkness
and kept stumbling since.
And I just wonder
did I stumble upon,
or was I stumbling all along.


2238 hour (19/01/10)

The difference.

I remember the days, when things were sweet and unpredictable.

Nowadays, things are twisted and unpredictable.

Friday 15 January 2010

In time


I watch you go, further and further.

As we slowly drift apart.

Monday 11 January 2010

Daily basis


Yes, yes, I told you, I've checked it a million times. There's no new text from you.

No. No. It's okay.

I understand.

Saturday 2 January 2010

Mistake #(infinity)

I have been warned
but I paid no attention.
And again I face the consequences
of making this mistake
which is agreed by many, a mistake
which I took the chance to make
in hopes that the mistake
only mistaken as a mistake.

Look at how far we've gone
you are blind, boy.
And I,
blinded by you.

Closed my eyes to your imperfections.
You are perfect despite your imperfections.
Perfect, to me.
Perfect, for me.
But I know.
I am not, to you.
For you

I held on, so long,
too long.
Holding on for the sake of holding on.
That is where I am wrong.
Or was that the reason why?

This is not a promise,
that I can move on
or will move on.
Nor is it an announcement,
of me moving on.

This is just,
me,
being me.


2244 hour (02/01/10)

.