Feelings

And i saw happiness emerging close to me. I am happy. Happiness walks beside me. Smiling the brightest smile. Jealousy, I can see from a distance. Somehow doubt, circles us over our heads. But frustration, lingers.

"I am happy right? How come you're still here?" I call out to it.

Frustration did not say anything. Still, it lingers.

I was annoyed. Therefore, annoyance came nearer to me. Looking all excited as it took another step closer.

"Damn you."

Anger opened an eye; peeped through it to look at me. I shudder. I regained my composure and kept happiness near me. As near as I could. But somehow, somehow, happiness cannot stick to me. I wonder.

Time sticks to me. Time is not always on my side but I always need time. Sometimes, Time will work against me. Other times, Time is on my side. That's what I like about Time. No, not because it doesn't take sides. But because it's certain.

So I continue on with my journey with happiness beside me, Time sticking to me, Annoyance somewhere around, Doubt close by, Sadness, appearing and disappearing and Frustration, lingers.

I'm looking for you. With them, I'm looking for you. Maybe then happiness would stick to me. Maybe that's the last piece of the puzzle. Maybe then frustration would go away. Maybe then they would all go away and only happiness would stay. I got all excited just thinking about the possibilities. Happiness sensed my excitement and smiles brightly. I almost skip down the pathway.

But I feel tired. The pathway is impossibly long. Time's been ticking for far too long. I am exhausted. Sadness now appear and wont disappear. Doubt roam freely above me, looking at me with those eyes making me change my mind millions of times. Annoyance does not stick to me, but it's nearby. Frustration getting closer and closer everyday.

I lost happiness along the way.

Though all seems gloom, I found determination. Determination now is the one who keeps me going. My weak protection against all above. So I continue to walk with determination as my new ally and the very faithful, Time.

The thought of seeing you. The thought of finally founding the last piece of the puzzle. The thought of reuniting with happiness. The thought of you, the thought of you...keeps me going.

"It's time" Time said.

I was so overly excited, overjoyed. The butterflies in my tummy flutter wildly. I was dancing inside. However, doubt shot a question.

"Then where is happiness?"

I..I have no idea.

"Happiness' around. I'm sure. Definitely."

But doubt knows better.

I shake off the thought and walk through the gates with determination and Time by my side. And the others somewhere. I just couldnt care less. We walked until we arrive at a hall.

"This is where it unfolds" said Time.

Time said no more. I could not guess, for they all show no expression. What will 'it' shows. Would it be bad? Awful? or would it be great? Awesome?

"What do you thi......."

I caught a glimpse of you. Time stands still. I cannot see anyone else but you. Only you. I saw happiness. Your happiness. I smiled.

Wait.

YOUR happiness.

"wait, whooww.."

Nobody said a word.

Then I see. I see you, I see your happiness. Laughing without a care in the world. Your happiness. It's sticking to you.

My happiness is your happiness. Shouldnt it be that way? Yes, yes it should.

But that's not my happiness.

Frustration approached me then sticks to me. Its tentacles wrap itself around me. It engulfs me hungrily and smiled a sinister smile.

This is not how it's suppose to be. It should be, it should be me finding you with MY happiness which is YOUR happiness as well. That's the condition for my happiness to stick to me. But this, this is not how it should be. No, no. This cannot be happening. No,no.

"Get off me!" I pushed frustration away.

Its too late. Frustration is glued to me.

"No...no.."

I looked at you again. I remembered what you said. You said you love me. You said you need me. You said you want me. You said you miss me. You said, you said. But you said...and you never show me. And you just say it. And you dont feel it. And you lied.

"Honey..."

Time took a step towards me.

"Dont."

Time retreated back to its place.

I cannot see doubt. I wonder if its gone, or if its implanted itself in my heart. Like a vine, creeping its way around in my heart. I cannot see annoyance. Maybe its gone. Maybe. I dont fucking care. Oh now I see. Its inside me, firing me up. Sadness is gone. That I know. Because I can see devastation next to me. Like the goddess of the Night. Gloomy and dark.

I see now. You dont need me do you? You never did. You dont want me do you? You always say you do. You never love me do you? ....you did right? Right?

I lay down on the stone floor. Cold and hard...but not as cold as my heart. I shiver vigorously. My heart is breaking. Its sound echoes in the deafening silence

Why did you give me hopes only to crush them before my eyes?

My obscured sight spotted a figure. Its hair violently waving behind. A dark aura surrounding it. Seeming to suck every bit of light nearby. A sense of hopelessness wash over me as it comes nearer and nearer.

Despair.

.


2233hours (09.08.09)